I am perplexed

Since crossing to the dark side and changing to part-time work, I have been slowly (very slowly) working my way through a long, long list of tasks I have been meaning to attend to for years months ages. Things like getting the torn upholstery on one of our couches repaired, preferably before the repeated impact of pounds and pounds of pre-teen boy launched from a height and at speed kill it off for good.

Another one of those tasks was to get a painter arranged to come and attend to the exterior woodwork on the house - window frames and so on - which is showing signs of wear and tear after a number of Scottish winters. I got in touch with the painter (my neighbour over the road's brother - always use people who come recommended!) and he will be coming shortly to give our wee but n' ben a facelift. Part of the deal is that we supply the materials, which is why the other day I found myself in the unfamiliar surroundings of a paint shop, waiting for the chap behind the counter to come back with my 5 litres of Hickson Decor Exterior Woodstain (Red Cedar).

I don't hang around in paint shops much, being domestically challenged in most areas, including home decorating. I passed the time by gazing absently at a large display showing all the paint colours available in some professional range of paint I have never heard of. And I became more and more puzzled. The colours available were........esoteric. I am sure the last time I was in B&Q, yellow paint was called things like "Sunflower" or "Buttercup" and blue was "Cornflower". None of the paint in this shop was called "Sunflower". They did however have "Apple Smiles". I am guessing green?

However, there was also "Tablecloth". What colour is Tablecloth? If my dining room is anything to go by, that would be a tin full of dark green oilcloth, stained with ketchup and Pritt stick residue. It can't be that, surely. And if Tablecloth is confusing, how about the cheery tones of a tin of "Quench the Gloom"? Does anyone seriously go into a shop and voluntarily buy a couple of litres of "Quench the Gloom"? Hey, maybe it's paint impregnated with Prozac. Feeling down? Lick your skirting boards when no-one is looking!

But none of these shades really did it for me. The colour that I decided I wanted was right there in the middle of the display. In the unlikely event that I ever get round to decorating my house (see unfinished list of tasks above) I want this colour for my living room, purely so that if anyone says "I love the new look - what shade is that?" I can truthfully say "It's Tethered Dog, thank you for asking."


EDITED TO ADD: I'm not making this up, honest!