Sigh.

That's a contented sigh rather than a fed up one. Eurovision Dance Contest lived up to its promise. BUCKETLOADS of fake tan, dodgy costumes and make up shovelled on with a trowel. And the women didn't look much better. Ba-dum shish! Seriously if you didn't watch it, how are you going to get your recommended intake of tat for the year?

You want highlights? How about:

• Numerous countries going for the old "pull off the girl's skirt" routine a la Bucks Fizz. One couple then used the skirt as a cape (slightly pervy) and one couple went for the "sod pulling off the skirt, lets have her take off her whole dress over her head while the bloke distracts us with his pecs" line. It worked too - they won. (She had another red sparkly frock on underneath, naturally.)
• Austrian couple jiving. To "Can't touch this". Sadly the bloke wasn't wearing MC Hammer baggy nappy-type trousers. Can't help feeling that was an opportunity missed.
• Azerbijan. Where do I start? Vampire theme. Camp vampire. In tights. With a slightly girly cape. And sequins. Oh my god, the sequins. Then, THEN, he proposed to his partner while Claudia Winkelman was trying to interview them. He said she'd marry him if they won. Len Goodman who was filling the Terry Wogan role commented on this heartwarming little scene: "I think I am going to throw up". Me too, Len. (They didn't win. Do you think he took the ring back? We need to be told). Craig Revel Horwood's comment: "Some people will do anything for some votes"
• One of the male dancers, I forget who, starting wittering about how great his partner looked in the bathroom, at which point Claudia said "OK you, stop talking now" and turned her back on him. The look on his face was priceless.
• The Lithuanian girl seemed to be wearing a dressing gown. The Greek girl's dress appeared to be mostly painted on and where it wasn't painted on it was tied on with string. Confusing to take off, I'd have thought.

It was heaven. And did I mention this was all taking place in Glasgow? I sincerely hope none of the dancers decided to go for a pint afterwards. They wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in a Glasgow pub.

On second thoughts, girls wearing next to nothing, orange fake tan all round and dodgy dance moves? On a Saturday night? They'll blend right in. As long as they remember to order a kebab by about 2am.